‘Hello? Can you hear me?’
I’m pressing the button on this pendant I wear around my neck but nothing happens. Usually when I press it I get a crackly voice from the other end telling me that I have come through to the ‘We Care Service’ and what did I want?
I don’t use it often because I have difficulty hearing what the woman is saying and now, when I really need it there is nothing.
Not even the reassuring beep that tells me that although the line is busy, they will get back to me as soon as possible.
I can just see the clock from here. It’s still early; six o’clock and the time when I would usually be up making my first cup of tea. something to set me up for the day as I sit and listen to the news on the radio.
I could watch the news on the television that my granddaughter bought me but I prefer to listen early in the morning. I don’t want the intrusion of strangers in my house yet.
Today I would welcome anyone to my house.
Today even the lad who has been burgling houses in our area would be welcome. I would tell him where to find my money, my wife’s jewellery, my medals even, if he would call 999 as he leaves.
The floor in the hallway is cold. I should have had carpets fitted but my wife was always proud of these tiles. Minton she said they were and she wouldn’t dream of having them covered up with some old carpet.
I could have had the carpets fitted when she died, when there was only me to think of but every time I look at these tiles I think of her.
I see her as the young girl I carried across the threshold of our house; as the mother of our daughter, tired but proud in her hospital bed, and then I see her bringing our baby girl home to the bedroom I had so lovingly painted pink in her honour.
She did us proud our girl; married well and presented us with grandchildren. I had never thought of our daughter as being traditional but she named her children after her mother and me. Keeping the memories going she said. A legacy.
I never thought I would outlive her, and her mother.
When I came home from the war my lungs were useless; poison gas, cheap tobacco and a cough that never really went away. As if to remind, I cough now and the pain from my legs wracks my body.
I used to have people who came in to check on me. Cheerful young women who did my washing and made me meals. Someone to talk to four times a day; not as good as my wife, who never seemed to stop talking but at least they filled a part of the void when she was gone.
Now they are gone too. Cuts in social care.
A brisk young woman came to visit me, and decided that my care package was too large for my needs. I didn’t need all this help as I was obviously self-caring. I didn’t need to go out to lunch clubs; the transport was very expensive and they were closing down the day centres anyway. She gave me this pendant but was at pains to tell me that I would have to buy the new batteries for it.
I have batteries in the fridge but I can’t reach them.
I can’t reach the telephone.
I can’t reach the door.
I can’t go on.
I can’t give up.
Today of all days.
I look at my coat, hanging out of reach on the coat hook.
I can just see the poppy.
I should be getting my breakfast and making myself presentable so that when my granddaughter comes to fetch me for the parade, she will be proud of me and the part that I played.
All I want to do is sleep.
To sleep and have the pain go from my legs.
I can’t feel them.
I should be able to feel them. To feel the pain that has kept me awake at night for over seventy years. There is no pain. Just cold.
I look at the clock again. Where has the time gone? I don’t remember being asleep but four hours have passed since I last looked.
I want to sleep. It’s time for me to join the people who I love and miss. This is no place for old men like me – we may have been seen as heroes once but now we are just a burden on the state – a burden that the taxpayers can’t afford according to that brisk young woman.
The sound of her key in the door pulls me back from the place where pain has gone and there is just a soft glowing light that draws me in.
‘Grandad? Hang on in there. I’m calling an ambulance. Don’t leave me Grandad.’
It isn’t time yet. Her hands are warm as she tucks a blanket around me. Her hands are warm like her mother’s and her grandmother’s, and while I long to feel their touch again this beautiful girl pulls me back to the present.
I open my eyes and focus on her face. She looks tired and worried so I do my best to smile as if I was okay. The poppy on her coat is close to me and I reach out to touch it.
‘Not yet then?’ I ask.
‘Not yet. Not today of all days. Love you Grandad.’