Please stockpile Brussels sprouts?


  • Hand sanitiser is more expensive than soap and water, so don’t steal it from hospitals or patients’ bedsides or pay extortionate amounts of money for it in your local shop
  • Singing ‘Happy Birthday to me’ twice is roughly the right amount of time to spend washing your hands under warm running water.  It doesn’t matter that it isn’t your birthday and you don’t have to sing out aloud
  • Drink plenty of fluids – water doesn’t have to come out of a plastic bottle – corporation pop and other beverages will do – anything as long as it is wet and doesn’t do you any permanent damage
  • No amount of paracetamol, aspirin or trademarked products containing them, will prevent you from catching Covid-19, and can be dangerous if you exceed the stated dose, so don’t stockpile them
  • Covid-19 is a respiratory virus – that means that it affects your breathing and not your bottom, so stop the silly stockpiling of toilet rolls
  • Coughs and sneezes spread diseases so keep them to yourself – carry a hanky (clean one every day please), tissues or if desperate, do vampire sneezes and coughs into your inner elbow – not a place that makes contact with other people very often
  • Stockpiling pasta and rice is counter productive – they are both pretty bland and will possibly make you constipated unless you are using vegetables, cheese or meat to flavour them
  • When you are busy piling vast amounts of food into your shopping trolley (assuming that your supermarket hasn’t cut down on how many packets of anything you can have) spare a thought for the elderly, the disabled and the poor who do not have the money or the ability to stockpile – deprivation can be as dangerous as a pandemic
  • Don’t be offended if friends and family who have high risk medical conditions ask you not to drop in on them unexpectedly – respect their right to stay safe
  • Hospitals, health centres and surgeries are full of sick people and should be avoided if possible
  • Use your common sense and follow medical advice rather than panic buying and getting unnecessarily stressed – unless you like Brussels sprouts in which case you have my blessing to buy as many as you like.

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