The year of laughing dangerously

The weekend started badly with my Lenten resolved smashed on Friday night by a well-meaning Uni Boy making me eat a bar of Milka when I got home from work.  It had been a very long bad Friday.  It should have been good – it could have been good – all three of my meetings got cancelled for reasons that had nothing to do with me but I still had to spend the day sorting out other people’s cock ups and turning my stream of consciousness notes from a meeting into some kind of comprehensible report.  God it was boring.

Got a lift half way home and nowadays the combination of music in my ears and my Kindle in front of me makes the bus journey bearable.  College Boy was out playing American football somewhere – not on the astro turf apparently as it wrecks your knees so the house was peaceful apart from whingeing cat.  Sports Relief made me cry all evening but then I could have changed the channel.  There was a major catastrophe in the kitchen when  the bag that Uni Boy was taking round to a friend’s house split and three-quarters of a bottle of vodka smashed and splattered on the kitchen floor.  Five minutes before the bus was due.  I made soothing noises, College Boy made hoots of derision and I left the kitchen in a hump to go and sit outside with the whingeing cat and calm down.

College Boy cleaned up the mess and patted me patronisingly but peace was restored and Uni Boy caught his bus.  Come home hub?  Come home from work and rescue me from these roaring boys?

Saturday was College Boy’s 17th birthday and we were up earlyish; the intention being that hub, my dad and I would take College Boy to Blackpool to meet up with some of his friends for a day’s swaggering at the Pleasure Beach, then having dropped him off we would drive on up to Morecambe and have lunch.

Blackpool was looking good; sunny and full of shiny happy people still because it was too early for the drunks.  The drive up to Morecambe – once we got off the motorway  – was lovely, so lovely that we decided to navigate the pretty way on the way back.

The Midland Hotel was splendid, I waved at Eric Morecambe’s statue, did a brief nod of obeisance to the memorial for the cocklepickers and we had an excellent lunch in a deserted restaurant with sea views.  It was sunny and the seafront was a magnet for handholding older couples.  My dad was happy as Morecambe is a special place for him and he enjoyed showing it off to us.

Back on the road and his navigational skills proved to be as erratic as my own.  We somehow found ourselves half-way to Kirby Lonsdale before we knew it and I had to call on the extra reserves of Mrs Sat Nav who lives in my phone.  Having asked her to take us back to Blackpool avoiding the motorway, she did so with gusto and a multitude of sheep tracks that led us to a very long road called Burnt House Lane.  No, couldn’t see one  – perhaps it got knocked down or rebuilt – or it was just someone’s idea of a silly joke?

The scenery was even better on the way back though and we arrived at a still sunny Blackpool in time to pick up a totally shattered College Boy, find some fodder for him and drive back home.  He fell asleep in the car and set a new record for stentorian snoring. Our laughter kept waking him up and rather than fuel his ever-present adolescent paranoia we had to pretend we were laughing at the radio.  Hmmm.

Uni Boy – having slept all day – but then he didn’t get back till 0330 hrs – was wandering around in the towelling dressing gown he wears as if it were a smoking jacket.  He was slightly gutted by the news that we would be waking him up at midday on Sunday because College Boy was having friends round and we were all too embarrassing for words – especially me.

We had tickets to see Richard Herring at Eric’s in Liverpool  for Sunday evening  – so having been evicted from our own house after lunch we drove over to Liverpool and spent a pleasant afternoon drinking cider and bitter shandy on the steps outside the Britannia at Otterspool trying to work out which hapless local was going to have the best sunburn in the morning.  It was nice actually spending daylight time with Uni Boy for a change.

The three of us went into Liverpool for dinner – which would have been nice except for the fact that the burglar alarm in the restaurant was malfunctioning and for most of our meal was emitting a high-pitched squeal.  They knocked 20% off the bill though and the noise drowned out the muzack and the hundreds of small children that arrived shortly after us.

To Mathew Street and more people watching – we’d been standing opposite Eric’s for about fifteen minutes when we noticed a queue beginning to form.  Eventually we wandered over and joined what we thought was the end – only to find that subsequent arrivals went to the other end and we ended up being the beginning.  The couple that we’d joined weren’t bothered so we stayed as we were until a very tall young man with much hair, beard and a bright green tee-shirt turned up with two girls and after making some very loud comments to each other about “we don’t do queueing” – positioned themselves in front of us and the door.

I really hoped the other door would open and we’d be at the end again but it didn’t and they went in first and took seats in the front row.  We opted for the safety of the third row centre – a good view and sufficient camouflage to avoid any flak. It worked.

Richard Herring was wonderful.  My sides ached from laughing and my mascara was wrecked.  Eric’s was a great venue and the large lad in green came in for some stick  from Mr Herring – just for being large, green, bearded and being in the front  row – Hah!

The house was still standing when we got home and nothing appeared to have been broken or removed.  Going back to work today was something of a comedown but hub and I are working on our year of laughing dangerously by seeing as many of our favourite comics as we can afford this year.  Comedy Store in Manch next month, Jon Richardson in May and Sarah Millican (again) in October.

It’s good to laugh.

Giving up chocolate for Lent without killing anyone

Giving things up is never easy.  If you could do without them you wouldn’t have to be giving them up in the first place.  I find Lent quite useful in that although not fervently religious by any means, it’s a kind of extra discipline and encouragement – besides – its only forty days after all.

So I’ve given up chocolate for Lent.  I like chocolate but I don’t like the craving it inspires in me and this body could do without the extra calories.

I’m grumpy though.  Intolerant, unreasonable and on occasion verging on homicidal.

Lovely hub and College boy are still alive; Uni boy won’t be home for another fortnight and Whinging cat can’t help being old, deaf and smelly so he gets a special dispensation. Not so the rest of the world.

On Monday I was roundly berated in front of the rest of the office by a colleague who obviously has time her hands.  My heinous crime?  I never wash up.  Not totally correct.  I don’t drink tea or instant coffee and I wash up my drinking glass myself.  I occasionally use a plate for my lunch (my own plate and part of a picnic set I donated to the office, ditto my knife, fork and tea spoon which I keep on my desk).  Because I’m busy I dump the plate in the washing up bowl and wash up anything left at the end of the day when I’m often the last one in the office.  I don’t expect and have never asked for anyone to wash up for me.  Last Monday I brought in some chilli – in my own bowl – for lunch.  As I was going to wash it up immediately I picked up the washing up bowl with other people’s washing up in it and asked if anyone else had anything that wanted doing.  This bought forth the diatribe from my colleague about how I’m ALWAYS leaving my washing up for other people to do.  It was delivered in one of those ‘ha ha, I sound like I’m making a joke but in actual fact I’ve been desperate to take a pop at you for ages and now is my chance’ voices.

Other mates in the office defended me and – without losing my temper and with a fixed smile on my face – I defended me too.  In a previous job I never got to wash up – the alternative to washing up was dealing with difficult phone calls or actually doing some real work.  Sometimes there were as many as five people crammed into a kitchen built for two and all fighting over who should do the washing up.  I can’t be arsed to fight.

I did the washing up but the comments rankled and made me both annoyed at the rudeness and sad that this person should be so petty when I don’t remember ever having been anything but pleasant and courteous to her (she’s in a minority).  I mentioned it to a mate who said to forget it and that no one else had a problem about it anyway.

On Tuesday we were having a general conversation about transport and it came up that although I occasionally catch a bus when he’s at work (he works shifts), my lovely hub ferries me to work and back when he can.  We like it that way; it gives us extra time together, we sing along to RealXS radio and generally put the world to rights.  According to my antagonistic colleague however, I don’t deserve my hub, he’s far too good to me.  She said that about three times during the conversation – accompanied each time by a glare.  She’s never met my hub, all that she knows of our relationship is what I care to impart in the office, and after twenty-five years of being together, that’s only the tip of the iceberg.  So those comments went to join the washing up jibes in my mental rankle file.

On Wednesday I’d arranged to go out for lunch with two friends for a catch up.  As I’m leaving the office and walking past my colleague’s desk, she says

“Don’t eat too much.”

“What?”

“Don’t eat too much or you won’t be able to concentrate on your work this afternoon.”

“Oh well – if I fall asleep at my desk just chuck a blanket over my head and leave me in peace – please?”  And I’m out of the room.

So in the space of three days I’ve been told that I’m domestically challenged, I don’t deserve my hub, I eat too much and can’t concentrate on work after lunch. Possibly true – in part at least – but what right does she have to say these things to me – especially in a loud voice so that everyone else in the office can hear?

Why do people have to be so bitchy?  Does my solitary plate in the washing up bowl offend her so much?  Does she boil with ire when she sees me having a crafty snog with my hub before I leave the car in the morning?  In the words of College boy – is she well jeal of me?

My hub got cross when I told him and said that I should make a formal complaint – I thought that was maybe a little harsh but said I’d mention it to the Boss.  The Boss listened and turned a little pale but was sympathetic and said that in the first instance I should politely tell my colleague to stop making personal comments about me.  If she persists, then he’d have a word.  She’ll undoubtedly deny any ill-intent and may even shed a tear or two.

I’ll do it even though I really don’t want the hassle – especially when I’ve given up chocolate for Lent.

Twenty-five years and counting – A grand day out

Twenty five years ago I met my lovely hub.  Our meeting wasn’t spectacular; I was visiting my oldest friend from college for the evening and another old friend turned up with my husband.  We talked and vaguely watched ‘Back to the Future’.  I thought he was bright, funny and rather gorgeous but too young for me.  I sent a Valentine’s card to someone else.  apparently he thought I was bright, funny and rather gorgeous but a mature woman like me wouldn’t be interested in him (I’m only five years older and he was SO wrong).

That might have been the end of it had it not been for the machinations of our two friends who were both privy to our opinions of each other.  It took another two months of plotting but we ended up back on the sofa in my friend’s house.  Our other friend had been briefed to come round on his motorbike – so that he couldn’t give me a lift home.  My hub-to-be had been instructed not to come round on his motorbike but in his car so that he COULD give me a lift home.  I was told in no uncertain terms by my friend that I had to get teabags and milk in so that I could invite my hub in for tea when he brought me home.

I don’t drink tea; it used to make me sick but now it makes my mouth swell up and even the smell makes me heave.  Still, I came off a waking night duty and walked a mile to the local shop to get tea, coffee and fresh milk in.  It was an evening of significant looks; plotting and a total lack of subtlety from everyone concerned except for me and my hub.

Anyway, the plotting worked, we got engaged two months later and married in May 1988.

Back to the present.  I have two days off  for our anniversary and Valentine’s Day but my hub is on nights and it’s half-term so College boy is home all week.  Uni boy doesn’t get a break for half-term and after not-in-any-way being involved in the fiery destruction of the chemistry labs, he and his fellow chemists are having to do extra work to make up – so our planned trip to see him today was abandoned.

I decided to arrange a day out that might suit the interests of my Dad, my hub, College boy and possibly one of his friends.  I did my homework and settled on the Imperial War Museum in Salford.  Didn’t appeal to me in the slightest; don’t like guns, or war, or any of that kind of thing but my Dad lived through the war, my hub is fascinated by it – mostly from the airplane perspective  – and College boy frequently dresses up in camouflage (SO difficult to find him in the house sometimes) especially when he is firing off rounds of BBs at the garage with one of his imitation guns.  Me, my Kindle and my Walkman were going to find a nice seat somewhere in the museum and leave them to it.

College boy’s bezzie mate couldn’t come.  Strike 1.  The delivery man bringing a parcel for College boywas due to call at lunchtime when we would be out.  Strike 2.  College boy needed food from Burger King.  Strike 3.  He also had a row with another delivery firm who wanted to charge him an extra £15 for his latest BB gun acquisition.  Strike 4.  His mother could not promise that she would not wind him up, patronise him or return him home immediately if he felt annoyed with any of us. Strike 5.

I got him out of bed, he had a bath, got dressed and agreed to go out with us for the day.  My hub arranged for a neighbour to take his delivery.  We couldn’t make any promises about Burger King because we didn’t know if there was one near to the Museum.   He was wound up by the phone call.  I wouldn’t agree to his promises unless he promised not to wind me up or patronise me, or accept that I wasn’t prepared to ruin the day for everyone else if he wanted to come home early.

So he stayed home.  We picked up my Dad, who was philosophical about College boy’s non-attendance, and we went to Salford.

There was a Burger King in the Lowry Outlet Centre – Ooops.  We ate in the Harvester – which was chilly but okay and my Dad preferred the food to Burger King anyway. We walked across the bridge to the Museum and my Dad was over the moon at being able to see the Lowry, Salford Quays and best of all – the Museum.  It is a delight to take him out with us because he is so pleased to be going out somewhere different for the day, to have company and a meal cooked by someone else.

The Museum was vast and weirdly shaped.  The staff were friendly and although it was half term and the car park was full, there was still plenty of room to look at the exhibits.  I whizzed round as I always do; then found a suitable place to sit and read my Kindle.  It was  a bit dark in there but the light from a nearby display helped – must remember to take the light next time.

The seats round the wall began to fill up and my Dad joined me.  The announcer said it was a Big Exhibition and it was.  The huge white walls became screens and we were suddenly in the middle of a audio-visual war zone.  I put the Kindle away; watching the faces of the people opposite in the fluctuating darkness.   The only people  moving were the staff, everyone else was enthralled.

My menfolk went wandering again.  I went back to my Kindle and wished that the College boy had come with us.  Grumpy and typically teenaged as he is, I love him and his brother totally.

Another exhibition about a TA nurse in Afghanistan and I’m choked.

Time to go home – via Millie’s Cookies – where we buy in stocks for all four of us and decant some for my Dad to take home with him.

When we get to his house my Dad palms me a fiver for my naughty College boy  and I promise to give it to him.  I won’t stand in the way of their relationship just because my boy’s having another off-day.

As we turn the car around, my hub reluctantly states that he has to get some shopping in for breakfast (he is particular about his bread) and for tomorrow night’s dinner.  He seems to think that I’ll groan and insist on being taken home first but I quite like the idea of going shopping now – it prolongs the day.  We actually enjoy shopping together and rarely argue.  That’s not bad after twenty-five years.

I text the College boy and tell him we’re going shopping and does he want anything?  He texts back a list of requests but the word ‘please’ is there – so it’s okay.

A slight hiccup when we get home and can’t get in because the key is in the door.  We phone him and hear the thunder of size 11 feet as he hurries down the stairs.  We managed to buy the right things so he is mellow, and he expresses a nonchalant interest in where we’ve been.  I get a big hug and he almost says sorry.

It’s been a grand day out. xx

Looks like I picked the wrong week to ……

Most weeks are busy but some are busier than others, and whilst it seems obscene to grumble about work when there are so many people unemployed, well you have to let off steam somewhere, my husband and sons get quite enough as it is and the cat – though sympathetic especially when being cuddled – is deaf as a post  and doesn’t always wipe his feet after he’s been in the litter tray.  Time to change my clothes again. Sorry blog – you get the full benefit of my rant.

It’s been a week of meeting after meeting – but hey – that’s my daytime job.  The main issue is that constantly writing at tables that are the wrong height and chairs that are bum-numbing and immoveable, has taken its toll on various parts of my body.  I wish I could get people to understand that I am more than just a commodity and if they are allowed time to eat a biscuit or stretch their legs – so am I.

I already have a back problem – which goes by the somewhat dodgy name of lumbar lordosis.

For those who may not have stumbled across it,  lordosis is not only a term used to describe a back condition where the spine curves inwards (in animals they call it ‘swayback’) but it also describes the behaviour of animals who are letting their partner know that they are ready to mate – ooh er.  In the office I have a special chair and a curved desk that enables me to work in comfort.  At home I have decent office chairs up and down, and an ergonomic keyboard that is a joy to type on. I also have a wonderful physio.

Just to complicate matters further, I have an old whiplash injury in my neck, caused by bouncing over-enthusiastically on a trampoline when I was sixteen – ‘I’m on the top of the world’ by the Carpenters was playing as my head snapped back onto the unforgiving canvas.  I spent six weeks wearing a surgical collar and looking over my left shoulder – crossing roads took a long time.  It’s  a lot better thanks to my physio but nevertheless, but when it flares up the pain is that kind of constant nausea-causing ache.

I’ve started using a laptop to take notes at meetings now; set up on a cheap plastic writing slope from the famous Swedish furniture store, it does at least mean that the strain is taken evenly by both hands typing rather than lop-sided on one arm from writing.

Buoyed up by a sense of self-confidence I set up a day of meetings in our conference room; not even thinking about the environmental implications for me.  I should have planned it better.  I know how uncomfortable those chairs are; even a hour-long meeting or a training course split up with comfort breaks can result in temporary paralysis.  I was in that room for six hours and five of them were spent in thrall to the laptop.

I had half an hour’s respite before getting home and signing on for my other job.  Fortunately I work from home and when I’m not dealing with calls and writing them up, I get to lounge on the bed.  It wasn’t a busy shift fortunately but by the time I went to sleep I could feel an iron band closing around my lower back and another one pressing down on my neck and shoulders.  In a rare moment of common sense I’d taken the next day off.  Just as well; I was the one whingeing my way round the house with a bad back and a king sized pain in the neck ( a phrase my younger son often uses to describe me.)

It took two days of being strapped up to a TENS machine and going very carefully but things are improving and this afternoon we are off to the gym for a very gentle workout and a blissful soak in the hydrotherapy pool.  It’s just as well that I go to the physio for  my aches and pains because I’m still sulking with the health centre and no, I haven’t written my Mrs Angry letter to the practice manager yet.

Despite the painful bits; this week has also been one of small but significant pleasures.

Hearing from old friends, helping my neighbour next door install some books on his Kindle, working from home on Thursday afternoon and listening to Sarah Millican’s ‘Support Group’ on my Kindle whilst I’m typing, taking time to cuddle my deaf and smelly cat, getting good hugs from my huge teenager and having a silly but wonderful conversation  with my Uni-boy(after he’d been at pains to reassure me that it wasn’t him that set fire to the chemistry block). As always, my lovely man is there; ferrying me too and fro, fastening the TENS pads to my aching back, bringing me sherry when I get home from work and listening to my grumbles.

This morning I had to do my least favourite job – unstacking the dishwasher – but courtesy of Twitter I noticed that the Rev Richard Coles was on Radio 4 at nine o’clock, with Mitch Benn as one of his guests.  Listening to Mitch Benn sing, I laughed and didn’t even notice that by the time he’d finished I’d put all the clean crockery and cutlery away and was now filling up the sink to wash up the sharp knives and the dreaded mouli-grater.  Thank you chaps.

My breath of fresh air visited me too, to borrow the cat carrier for the sick bunny –  hope he gets better soon – you brightened up my Saturday morning anyway.

I’ve done my to-do list for today and at least half the times are ticked off already –  oh and someone just proposed to their girlfriend live on ‘Saturday Kitchen’ and she said ‘Yes’.  Aaaaah.

So, I have studying to do – cognitive psychology for the next nine  months – hopefully I learn enough about learning processes to actually remember enough to pass the exam at the end.

Time now to have a cuddle for the carolling cat – he deserves some time and whilst I’m cuddling him I can take five for myself.  Oooh and now it’s snowing.

 

 

Permission to rant – making a routine GP appointment

Back in November I spoke to my GP over the phone.  I felt that this was quite a civilised way of dealing with a medical matter as it didn’t entail sitting for ages in a crowded waiting room absorbing other people’s germs.  I like my GP: he wears trainers and his parting comment to me at the end of our phone call was ‘May the force be with you’.  He said some more sobering things about the fact that however good I am at taking tablets and getting my eyes and feet checked out regularly, diabetes is insidiously attacking my internal organs and the only surefire way of minimising the risk is to lose a shedload of weight.  Yes.  And if it were that easy there would be no obese people.

Before his rather cool exit line, my GP asked me to make an appointment to see him in January.  I put that to the back of my mind throughout the rest of November, over Christmas,  then idly starting to think about it in January.  I went online and had a look at the new appointment booking service at the health centre.  Four times I went online and had a look.  It appeared very efficient but there was no sign of my GP on the list of available appointments. In fact, when I looked on Thursday  there were no appointments at all.  Very reluctantly I phoned the surgery from work.  I explained to the receptionist that I wanted to make a  routine appointment to see my GP in January but that there were never any appointments for him online.

She agreed with me.

“You’ll have to come down to the surgery at 0830 tomorrow.”

“I can’t.  I work full-time.”

“Well you’ll have to phone then.  After 0830.”

“I can’t.  I’m at work at 0830 and we aren’t supposed to make personal calls – I could get into trouble for talking to you now.”

‘You’ll have to go online then.  After 0830.”

“Is that when you put the list of appointments up?”

“No.”

I gave the receptionist my details and after some tutting and sighs she came back with:

“February.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Doctor said to make an appointment for the end of  January February.  That’s what your notes say.”

“Fine.  Even better really.  So can I make an appointment for February then?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry – could you explain why I can’t make an appointment?”

“We don’t book that far ahead.”

“Not even for a routine review?”

“You make those with the nurse and you can’t make that appointment till the end of January.”

“But my GP said to make the appointment with him.”

“So you say. Did he give you a slip to confirm that?”

“No.  It was a telephone appointment.”

“If Doctor wants you to book a specific appointment with him he will give you a slip and you take it immediately to reception and make an appointment.”

“I ddn’t get a slip.”

“Doctor obviously didn’t think it was that important then.”

“It was a telephone appointment.  he couldn’t give me a slip.”

“You’ll have to book an appointment online, by phone or in person the same as everyone else.”

I’m beginning to feel more than a little cross now but I’m at work in an office with several other people who don’t deserve to hear me lose my temper with this upholder of petty bureaucracy.

“Can I speak to the practice manager please?  I feel that your appointment system discriminates against people who work full-time and I’d like to make a complaint.”

“Everyone else likes the system. We have lots of people who work at the surgery.  No one else is complaining.”

“Nevertheless, I’d like to speak to the practice manager please?”

“You can’t.  She’s off sick.  You can speak to the deputy practice manager.”

“Yes please.”

“She’s in a meeting.  I’ll put you through to someone else.”

Sending up a silent prayer that the someone else is more flexible than the receptionist, I am put on hold and forced to listen to a series of clicks and whirrs that are still better than the overloud muzak that you usually get on hold.

“Hello.  my colleague tells me that you are expecting a priority appointment and you’re complaining because we can’t let you have one.”

My hackles rise.

“I’m afraid your colleague is incorrect …”

“..I don’t think so.  She was very clear.  I’ve looked at what Doctor has recorded on the system and this is just a routine appointment.  You’ll have to use the system the same as everyone else.”

“This may be a routine appointment but the doctor asked me to make it with him for January ..”

“…end of January February.”

“I’m not privy to what my doctor has recorded on my notes.  He said January to me, that’s what I put in my new diary to remind myself to call.  I don’t expect priority treatment I’m just trying to explain why, as a person who starts work at 0830 and works full-time, I can’t use your booking system.  I phoned asking for advice on how to book an appointment.”

“The instructions are on the website and in the practice handbook available at reception.”

“Who am I speaking to please?”

“My name is S and I am one of the other receptionists.  I can answer your questions perfectly well.  If this is a routine appointment you should be making the appointment with the nurse anyway.”

“My doctor told me to book it with him. Doesn’t it say that in my notes?”

“Possibly. I don’t see why though. he should have given you a slip.”

“It was a telephone conversation.  Unless you’ve started using carrier pigeons he wouldn’t be able to give me a slip.  A slip wouldn’t be any use in this case because accordingly to your colleague I would have to take it immediately to reception, but back in November you wouldn’t be making any appointments for January anyway.”

“Or February.”

“Quite.  I think it would be best if I put my complaint on paper because you aren’t really helping me and I feel that your system is discriminatory.”

“Everyone else likes it. You don’t have to write your complaint down.  I can deal with that.””

“No thanks.  I’ll write to the practice manager, if I put it in writing you can’t ignore it and I can guarantee accuracy..”

“We wouldn’t ignore it anyway.  I can speak to doctor and see if he wants to make you an appointment?”

At last a glimmer of hope in a morass of red tape.

“Yes please.  I’ll be in meetings for most of today but you can always leave me a message.”

I give her my telephone number and end the conversation with a splitting headache and a brooding hatred for receptionists.

Much later in the afternoon S calls back

“I’ve spoken to Doctor.  he says this isn’t a priority appointment so you shouldn’t expect special treatment.”

“I didn’t say that it was a priority appointment and I’ve never asked for special treatment.”

“He says that if you have an acute medical problem you should access the system the same way as anyone else but this is just a routine diabetic appointment.  In fact he said you should make the appointment with the nurse.”

The woman’s voice is thick with glee at the fact that she has defeated me and protected Doctor against another demanding patient.

“That’s fine with me – I’m quite happy to see the nurse – it was his idea for me to come back and see him.”

“So you say.  Shall I make you a diabetic appointment with the nurse?”

“A diabetes appointment – appointments can’t get diabetes.”

“There’s no call for you to go correcting my grammar thank you.”

“I thought you couldn’t make appointments that far ahead?”

“When do you need the appointment for?”

“I believe you said end of January February?”

“We don’t make appointments that far ahead.  Not even for the nurse.”

“I’ll leave it then.”

The National Standard Framework for Diabetes is a DoH document that provides guidelines for good practice.  Section 3 is all about Empowering People with Diabetes.  It waxes lyrical about the importance of health professionals working closely with people with diabetes (not diabetics!) in order to help them take responsibility for their condition.

Addendum: In the supplementary information of the NSF Diabetes section on the DoH website there are some very interesting statistics on non-compliance and people with diabetes.  Non-compliance covers not taking your medication as directed by your health professional – AND not turning up for routine appointments and tests – hmmmmmm – earlier on in this section they also state that :

‘The attitudes, skills and knowledge of health professionals, including their communication skills, also influence the behaviour of individuals and their ability to self-care.’

The rational behind Section 3 is:

‘Users of the NHS should have choice, voice and control over what happens to them at each step of their care.  Empowering people with long-term conditions in their relationship with health and other professionals enables them to assert control over their lives, build confidence and be active partners in their care.

I get the distinct feeling that  the NSF Diabetes is not a document that has ever been briefed out in my surgery.

Rant over 🙂

Obsessive compulsive but personable – part 7

The fine drizzle that had started just before the end of the fireworks was turning into a steady downpour and temporarily put a dampener on any passion.  Rich grabbed Julia’s hand and they ran in through the nearest patio door; managing to avoid most of the would-be gamblers and finding themselves in a deserted lounge.  Julia sat down on a high-backed chair, determined not to get into another clinch, Rich grinned and lounged on a small sofa opposite.

“So, what are we talking about then?” he asked.

Julia shrugged, “We don’t have to talk.  We can go and spend money that we haven’t got or dance to music that we don’t really like, or …”

“,,,or?  What do you want to do Julia?”

At that moment, she really wasn’t sure.  There was a part of her that wanted to throw caution to the winds and drag Rich up to her room, but at that point the fantasy changed into a reality and she started to think of the practicalities: which bed would they use?  Would Rich rather they went to his room and would he send her back to her own room afterwards because he wanted his own space?  If he decided to stay the night with her, would he stay in her single bed or move into Angela’s?  Would he need to have a shower immediately afterwards?  Would he think her disgusting if she didn’t have a shower immediately afterwards?  Whilst she felt she had a grasp of most of Rich’s compulsions, the complexity of his disorder could spring any number of surprises and she began to wonder if she wasn’t too old and set in her ways to cope with anything as new and unsettling as embarking on an affair with a man half her age and with enough compulsions to satisfy the research needs of all the crusty academics at the conference and still have some left over.

Undoubtedly Rich had already thought of all these things, but would he have come up with solutions or was he waiting for her to come up with them? Julia suddenly felt tired, very tired and very middle-aged. Had she completely lost the knack of all this flirting business, was she just woefully out of practice or was it just that her current lifestyle was far more appealing?

Rich had been waiting patiently for some kind of a response to his question but his paranoia began to creep in.   He leaned forward and tapped her gently on the knee.  It made her jump and brought her back to reality.

“Sorry Rich.  I was turning things over in my head.  What is it that you want to do?  I don’t want to impose myself on you.”

“You aren’t.  Let’s go upstairs to my room and talk.  All the time we’re down here there’s a possibility that scary Amanda will come and talk to me about a friend who washes her hands at least a hundred times a day and is therefore just like me.”

He had a point.  Julia laughed and stood up.  She felt that Rich had sobered up enough to be rational about whatever he decided to do.  The hotel lobby was empty save for the night porter behind the reservations desk.  He was engrossed in a book and barely acknowledged them as they walked past.  Rich counted the stairs on the way back up and seemed gratified to find that no one had added another step during the evening.

It took three swipes before the key card unlocked the door to Rich’s room, he stepped aside and ushered Julia through.  Once inside she put her bag down precisely on the coffee table, waiting to see if he would put it somewhere else that felt was more appropriate to him.  The bag stayed where it was.    She watched him going through the ritual of checking that the door was shut properly and that the card was placed, together with his car keys, in the ornamental ashtray on the dressing table.  That done he turned back to her and took her in his arms once more; not kissing her yet but holding her very closely.

“I still want to know why you can know what I want to do before I do it.  I know you said that you’d read my book and seen me on the television but so have a lot of other people and they don’t seem anywhere as empathic or understanding as you.”

She could feel his lips against her neck; soft butterfly kisses that were making her stomach flip.  She shivered and tried to keep some hold on what she thought was reality.

“My parents were devoted to each other and that made it much easier for my father to function fairly normally.  My mother had a stroke though and died shortly afterwards.  Losing her made his world fall apart.  My kids were still young then but they were out at school all day, Andy works in promotions and was away most of the time.  I became my father’s carer and had to learn how to deal with his compulsions.  I have a few of my own – as do we all and probably as a consequence of all the time O spent with Dad, and I must admit some of my compulsions are bothering me right now.”

“Should we compare compulsions?  Mine are rearing their ugly heads too.”

Julia smiled and broke away from him, seating herself on the winged armchair by the window.  Rich perched on the bed, watching her intently and absent-mindedly pleating the green floral cover between his fingers.

“Who’s going first?  This could be excruciatingly painful.”

Julia shook her head.  “It doesn’t need to be.  If we can be honest with each other there won’t be a problem – or not as much of a problem anyway.  This is what I meant by damage limitation.  Tell me what you want to do Rich?”

He took a deep breath and got to his feet; walking slowly towards the window before stopping and turning to Julia.

“If you’ve read my book you’ll know how crap I am at relationships.  You’ll also know that I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone for some time and that I have an uncanny knack of screwing things up before they even begin.  That said, the people I meet usually see me as an oddity, they’re often initially attracted to me by the celebrity thing, but ultimately annoyed or repulsed by the level of my compulsions.  You’ve almost made me feel normal today – or at least acceptable anyway.  Not only that but I’m very attracted to you and if I wasn’t such a neurotic mess I would have dragged you into bed by now and we’d be making mad, passionate love – probably.”  Rich gave a nervous laugh and Julia could see that he was afraid he’d said too much and offended her. She looked down at her hands; trying to focus on something in the room that wasn’t part f the fantasy.

“Does it help if I say that the feeling is mutual?” said Julia.   “I’m very attracted to you and it has nothing to do with the celebrity status.  I can’t deny that your compulsions fascinate me but they certainly don’t repulse me.  I wish I could allow myself to be dragged into bed without any thought for the consequences of my actions but that’s an area where my own issues lie.  My mind is currently so occupied with practicalities that I’m almost as stressed as you are.”

“Tell me about the practicalities then?”

“Okay.  I’m too old to go ripping off my clothes in hotel rooms.  If I’m going to do anything in a bed I like to have brushed my teeth, had a quick wash and be wearing the appropriate apparel.  Anything other than sleep also demands a dab of Chanel No 5 behind each ear and at least a trace of lipstick.  You have a king size bed, I have two singles.  Your room is more suited to mad passionate love-making but I can’t even think about anything like that when all my belongings are next door?”

“We could bring them in here?”

“We could but we’re still both a bit drunk and things look different in the cold light of day.  Do either of us want to experience that awful feeling of regret tomorrow?  Do I want to find myself curled up in a strange bed with a man who feels embarrassed by his indiscretion of the night before and is inwardly cringing?”

“You’re doing both of us an injustice now.  Do you think I’m that shallow – or that I would find you unattractive when I’m sober?  I was sober this morning when you rescued me from the receptionist, and when we had lunch together.  The alcohol this evening has made me more brave but not foolhardy.”

“I’m too old for one-night stands and too wise to expect anything more.”

“I’m too insecure to risk getting into relationships that I know will be doomed by my own issues.  That’s why I’ve spent so much time avoiding them. You’re the first person for such a long time that I’ve actually relaxed with. Perhaps you can save me from myself? Or am I asking too much?”

“Oh Rich.  Life must be so easy for people who can be spontaneous. “

“Messy though.”

“Yes, messy.  I agree but at the moment we’re both tiptoeing around each other.  We’re both scared of committing to anything that might disrupt our nice ordered lives, to causing offence to each other by saying or doing the wrong thing and at the same time we’re both desperate to be held; to be wanted by someone else for however brief a moment that might be.”

Rich sat down on the bed again, his head in his hands and Julia had to fight very hard against the impulse to go to him and push all the fears and compulsions aside. Somebody had to make a decision and however hard it was, she knew it had to be her. She stood up, a little unsteadily.

“Thank you for inviting me into your space Rich, but if I share it with you tonight you’ll have nowhere left to go but home.  I’m going back to my own room now.  I’m going to get changed for bed, have a wash and clean my teeth. I may watch a little late night TV.  I’m going to leave Angela’s key card next to the phone here so you won’t get it mixed up with your own.  If you feel the need for company, for someone to hold you or you find a spider in your bath, feel free to use it.  There’s a spare bed in there and no one has slept in it so you can still have your own space.  I won’t be offended if you stay where you are and I’d love to have breakfast with you in the morning if you want me to.  I’m very much looking forward to hearing you speak again tomorrow and the time we’ve spent together has been a delight.“

Stopping briefly to drop a kiss on top of his head, she left the key card by the phone and returned to her room without waiting for the response that she knew he was trying desperately to make.

Julia got ready for bed; enjoying the softness of the old blue cotton nightshirt she always took with her when she went away.  She looked in the mirror after brushing her hair and removing almost all of her make up and didn’t feel too disappointed by what she saw.  A faint wisp of hope made her pick up the perfume bottle and dab it in the appropriate places.  Most of her lipstick had gone but there was still enough to prevent her from looking thin-lipped and washed out.

Her own damage imitation system had set in now; weighing up all the cons that might be involved in a relationship with Rich.  She’d spent years having her life dominated by her father’s neuroses and her husband’s infidelities. Her life now was what she had built for herself; rules set by her in accordance with her own wants and needs.  A home of her own with all her books and precious things, a front door that when locked kept the world outside away from her, a job that fulfilled her, good friends and a loving family who knew when to visit and when to leave.  Spike was the only unpredictable force in her life and provided he was fed, watered, walked and cuddled regularly, he didn’t really present a problem.  Did she really need any complications in her life right now?

Half an hour of waiting was enough; Julia turned out the bedside light and rolled over onto her favourite side clutching a pillow instead of the lonely, lovely man next door.

On the other side of the wall Rich sat in the bath.  There was no water.  Just Rich, wrapped in a dressing gown, in a foetal curl with a bath towel over his head to block out any outside intrusions.  He often sat like this for hours at home.  It felt safe from everything in the world that bothered him.  But Julia hadn’t bothered him.  She had understood him and made sure that so many of the things in life that irritated and disrupted him on a daily basis were taken care off.  Even his mother didn’t have as much insight into the devils that ruled his life.  He weighed up the pros and cons of his situation.  He liked Julia.  He enjoyed her company and she seemed to enjoy his.  She had her own life, she must be successful in whatever it was that she did – or she wouldn’t be able to afford to employ Angela as a PA.  She had salvaged his weekend and made him feel that perhaps there might be someone there who could do more than just tolerate him. But what did he have to give back?  A picture rose in his mind of a relationship with Julia that consisted of him visiting her but always going back to his own house, his own space.  Would that be enough?  It would suit him surely but would Julia want more than that?  Would she be able to tell him or would their relationship be doomed to more endless pussyfooting around for fear of offending each other.

At exactly three o’clock in the morning Julia heard a noise that made her stomach flip and dispelled every con she could think of.  She smiled sleepily as she pictured Rich slipping into Angela’s bed only a few feet away and she was happy that he felt safe enough to leave his own space in order to share the room with her.

There was a slight draft however as the duvet moved and she felt his body, slightly chilled and not very relaxed, climb in beside her.   The last of the cons flew out the window, to be replaced by the discovery that their mutual need seemed to have triumphed.  Things would never be the same again but nothing else mattered when she turned to him and he kissed her.

Obsessive compulsive but personable – part 6

Having satisfied his hunger pangs, Rich put down his knife and fork, equally spaced either side of his plate and leaned back in his chair, wine glass in hand. “Has it spoilt things for you – having Angela go home early?”

“Not really.  I love her company and we have a good time together but we see each other every day at work anyway and Rod needs her right now.  She loves fussing over him and when he feels better he will undoubtedly take her away for an even better weekend.”

“You work together?  I thought you were best friends.”

“We are.  Angela came to work for me as my PA about eight years ago.  She was there for me when my husband left me, and she’s been a huge support through the divorce and rebuilding my life afterwards.  In return, I introduced her to Rod, one of my husband’s more respectable business associates,  and they’ve been very happily married for the past three years.  All sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?”

“No.  What kind of a job do you do that you can afford a PA?”

“I’m self-employed and Angela is tax-deductible.  I also live quite frugally and have very low overheads.”

“You don’t want to tell me what you do for a living then?”

“No.  Well maybe later, tomorrow perhaps?”

“You will tell me then?”

“I will.  For now, do you want pudding, more wine or both?”

“Bring on the booze. I’m not on till after lunch tomorrow so I’ve got time to sober up in the morning.  What puddings are there?”

“The usual suspects; chocolate fudge cake, sticky toffee pudding, three different types of cheesecake, five flavours of ice cream, fresh fruit salad or cheese board.”

“We had cheese at lunchtime.  I always think chocolate fudge cake goes well with red wine.”

“I always think most things go well with red wine.”  Julia handed the pudding menu back to the waitress, hoping that the idea of more food and wine had temporarily distracted Rich from asking more questions about what she did for a living.

The group of designer-decked ladies were losing their thin veneer of posh and as the wine took hold so their accents betrayed their Liverpool and Manchester roots.  The younger girls had lost any trace of inhibition and were flouncing around from table to table.  Even the driest of the academics had decided to loosen his tie and take off his tweed jacket.

The chocolate fudge cake sopped up some of the red wine but necessitated Rich’s ordering of a third bottle.  Julia couldn’t help thinking that Angela would be in her element here; people watching and making acid comments about the behaviour of their fellow residents.  She could see that Rich was moving from amusingly tipsy to potentially morosely drunk so she ordered a pot of coffee.

Above the hubbub came the sharp sound of a fork tapping on glass and the elegant Amanda rose to her feet. “If you’d like to come out on the veranda there will be a spectacular display of fireworks, after which you are all welcome to visit the casino and nightclub which will be set up in the restaurant.  If you don’t want to watch the fireworks could you go into one of the lounges so that the staff can clear away and set up the tables please?”

Rich peered at Julia.  “Fireworks – or lounge?”

“Oh fireworks definitely. I could do with some air and the noise of the fireworks will drown out those giggling girls.”

“Fireworks it is then.”  He tipped the last of the wine into their glasses and got to his feet with only the slightest hint of a stagger.  Julia picked up her bag and glass and followed him outside where they found a low wall to lean against, the chairs having already been taken by the more competitive attendees.

It wasn’t too cold in the shelter of the veranda and the wine was still keeping her warm from the inside.  She could have gone upstairs for a jacket but Julia didn’t really want to interrupt the evening.  Rich was on good form again, the fresh air had sharpened his already biting wit and although his comments were delivered in an undertone meant for her alone Julia was glad that they were removed from the bulk of the attendees who had gathered on the veranda.  She was also appreciative of the fact that Rich was standing so close to her in order to make himself heard that she could feel the warmth of his body against hers and smell the wine and chocolate sweetness of his breath, visibly hanging in the cold night air.  She wasn’t exactly sure if this proximity was caused by Rich’s alcohol fuelled unsteadiness, feeling chilly or the need for some bodily contact between them, but whatever it was she liked it.

The fireworks display was quite impressive although rather than drown out the noise of the girls, it had the opposite effect of making them squeal and scream in an ear-splittingly high pitch.  Julia shivered as the effects of the wine began to wear off.

“If I was a gentleman with proper dress sense I’d offer you my jacket, but as it is I’m not wearing one.”  Rich edged closer still and grinned in an endearing but rather intoxicated manner.  He very timorously put an arm around her, and she could see that he was waiting nervously for the ridicule or the icy rebuff that he had received on other occasions.

“This is better than a jacket any day,” she replied and leaned her head against his shoulder, sending up another silent prayer of thanks that she hadn’t worn a jacket either.  They watched the rest of the fireworks in silence and Julia tried very hard to convince herself that Rich was just being gentlemanly and that she should stop this fantasising about him now and sober up.  It didn’t help that his head was resting against hers, he had pulled her closer and she felt that she only need turn her face up to look at him in order for him to see it as an invitation to kiss her.  Would that be such a bad thing?

It was while she was mulling over this thought that fate took over; she felt the gentlest of kisses on her forehead, then Rich touched her cheek with cold fingertips and tilted her face up to meet his.  He could certainly kiss.  Soft and delightfully dry; not the sloppy over-anxious kiss she might have expected from a moderately drunk and self-confessed celibate.

All sense of chill had gone as she pressed her body against his; the sound of the fireworks and the girly screams faded away into another place and all she was really aware of was how glad she was that she hadn’t decided to go home when Angela left.

“Get a room you two!”

The raucous cackle broke into her reverie and the kiss ended abruptly.  Julia looked for some sign of embarrassment or awkwardness on Rich’s part but there was none.  He was smiling.  The fireworks were over and the revellers were filing back in to the casino.  Rich pulled her closer again, turning his back on the crowd as if to shield her.  “Can we – I mean – it’s getting cold out here.  Do you want to go to the casino nightclub thing?”

“I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. We could go into the lounge and – talk?”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Damage limitation.”

“That sounds serious.”

“You have rituals and rules Rich; to some extent so do I.  Neither of us wants to be in an awkward situation so now might be a good time to do a bit of forward planning.”

“Tell me something first Julia.  Be honest with me?”

“Okay.  What do you want to know?”

“Do you want to take this any further or are you just humouring me because you’re a very kind lady who doesn’t like upsetting people?”

She answered the question in the most graphic way she could and by the time they drew apart from the kiss that she initiated this time, Rich was in no doubt as to her response.

“Come and sit down a minute.  I can’t think straight if you keep kissing me.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the veranda.

“You kissed me that time.”

“Okay, then we’re even.  I need to sit down because my legs feel wobbly and it might be the wine or it might be you or both but I’m safer on a chair.”

They sat down at the nearest vacated table and Rich pulled his chair closer to hers, taking her hands in his.

“A few basic facts first Rich, and please don’t kiss me again till I finish because I’m easily distracted.”

Rich chuckled and raised one of her hands to his lips.  “Does that count?”

“Yes.  We’re both a bit drunk; we still have tomorrow to get through and I don’t want us to get into a situation that either of us will regret or feel mortally embarrassed about in the morning.”

“Why should I feel embarrassed?  You’re gorgeous and sexy and intelligent and this isn’t just the wine talking.”

“You’re definitely drunk Rich.  I’m – God I hate saying this – I’m old enough to be your mother for heaven’s sake!”

“Now you’re being sexist.”

“How do you come to that conclusion?”  Julia backed away from him, freeing her hands and clutching at her bag, appalled at such an accusation.  Rich very gently took the bag away from her and placed it on the table, putting his hands on her shoulders.

“How old is your friend Angela?  You told me that her husband is twice her age.  Why is it okay for an older man to be with a younger woman and not the other way round?   Bit of a cliché really?  Just for the record I have a very healthy relationship with my mother and you don’t look anything like her.”

Julia was momentarily lost for words and he took the opportunity to cup her face in his hands again and kiss her.  There was no mistaking the seriousness of his intentions this time and she gave up the fight as he stood up and pulled her into his arms.  This was serious kissing; the kind of kissing that sent a thrill through her body that she hadn’t experienced since she was a teenager.

By chiara1421 Posted in Story

Obsessive compulsive but personable – part 5

The talk and subsequent discussion on the role played by religion in mental health issues turned out to be quite lively, although some of those bursting to put their point across evidently had more than a few issues of their own already.  Julia sat toward the back of the room and watched mostly, realising that for some of the people present, this was the main reason for attending.  She had a moment of guilt thinking of her own more selfish motivation but that passed.  She had put her phone on silent but kept checking to see if there was a message from Angela.  The discussion drew itself to a natural close when afternoon tea was brought in and a number of tables and display boards were set up at the far end of the room.

Julia stocked up on Christmas cards by mouth-painters, bought some hand-made wrapping paper and made a hefty donation.  Desperate to escape the gushing pseudo-sympathy portrayed by the designer handbag ladies who were hell-bent on out-buying each other in an effort to appear altruistic, Julia slipped quietly out of the door and was about to go upstairs to the peace of her room when she was stopped by one of the organisers.

“Have you seen Rich at all?  He’s disappeared and we were a bit worried that he might have left.”

“No, “ said Julia, “as far as I know he’s gone for a lie-down in his room.  He’s asked me to have dinner with him so I’m assuming he’ll be around this evening.”

“That’s a relief although he’s rather picky about his food I understand.”

“Compulsive, not picky.  What are we having for dinner?”

“Oh we’ve got a variety of dishes on offer; some of them quite unusual.”

“Ah.  He’ll prefer to eat something he’s familiar with, and if you can do without him at the top table he’d rather eat somewhere quieter if possible.”

The organiser frowned, then realising that they had pulled of quite a coup getting Rich to do two sessions without having to pay any extra, decided to go along with what Julia requested.

“I’ll sort out a quiet table for you both and get a scaled down copy of the menu.  Will that be okay?”

Julia beamed.  “Absolutely wonderful.  He’ll definitely be on good form tomorrow then.”

She decided to use the stairs rather than the lift and was tempted to put her ear to the door and discover whether Rich was asleep and snoring as she went past but decided that this was a little too much like stalking.

She called Angela and left a message saying that she’d had a lovely lunch with Rich and was meeting him for dinner too. Boasting, but she couldn’t resist after Angela’s comments earlier on. Deciding that a gentle nap in front of the evening news would be therapeutic, she turned on the television, taking care not to have the volume up too loud. Curled up on the bed with Angela’s pillows as well for extra luxury, Julia leaned back and closed her eyes having turned the volume back on her phone and set the alarm for six forty-five.

Her much-needed slumber was disturbed thirty minutes later by a text from Angela.  Rod was home and what had appeared to be a heart attack turned out to be indigestion.  Angela was staying put however as Rod was still traumatised by having been rushed to hospital in an ambulance and having to undergo a battery of tests.  Sufficient to say Angela was green with envy about Julia’s acquaintanceship with Rich, but took full credit for it because it had been her idea to go away for the weekend anyway.

Julia snorted in response to this comment but sent a warm and loving message back, hoping that Rod felt better soon.  She performed a cursory wash and brush up in the bathroom to wake herself up properly and having decided that her serviceable black linen trousers were still in reasonably good order, she took off the comfortable red shirt she’d been wearing all day and changed it for the more dressy black velvet tunic she’d bought on impulse the day before.  The neck was low enough to enhance what she felt to be two of her best assets, but not too plunging.  She pinned her long dark blonde hair up into a loose chignon, refreshed her make-up and decided that she didn’t look too bad really.

Just as she was debating whether to go and knock on Rich’s door, there was a gentle tapping sound that she knew could only be him.    Quickly putting the pillows back on Angela’s bed and shoving her red shirt into the wardrobe, Julia checked round the room to make sure it would be tidy enough to pass muster.  Not that she was entertaining any thoughts of having Rich spend any time in her room but she knew that if it was too untidy he would be compelled to come in and straighten things up before he could go for dinner.

With one last look in the mirror she picked up her handbag and walked to the door.  Rich had also changed for dinner and the dark blue cord shirt suited him better than the polo shirt he’d been wearing with his jeans earlier on.

Julia smiled. “Did you get some sleep?” She watched Rich’s eyes dart round the room checking for flaws before she joined him in the corridor and closed the door.  His shoulders relaxed and she felt a frisson of pleasure that her standards of tidiness had obviously met with his approval.

“Yes. Thank you , I slept very soundly considering.  What time did you come back to your room?”

“About an hour ago, just to watch the news and get changed.  I had a text from Angela as well. She’s not coming back.”

“Is she okay?”  Rich’s shoulders were beginning to rise again and Julia felt quite flattered that this might be in response to a concern that she might go home now that Angela definitely wasn’t returning.

“She’s fine.  It turned out that her husband had indigestion but he can talk himself into any illness when she isn’t there to keep him in line so she’s decided to stay home and pamper him.”

“But you’re staying aren’t you?”  His anxiety was audible now as the pitch of his voice rose a few notes.  Julia smiled and touched his forearm gently.

“I’m staying.  Angela is very jealous that I’ve already had lunch with you and now I’m having dinner too.  She’s decided that she is entirely responsible for my good fortune however.”

Rich smiled, “And mine.  I dread the evening dinners even more than the buffets, especially when they decide to have loads of different dishes that I’ve never heard of let alone tasted.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that.  I asked if you could be excused from the top table too.  I hope that was alright?”

Rich’s smile widened into a grin and he looked the most relaxed he had all day.  They walked down the corridor and as they passed the lift she instinctively turned toward the stairs.

“I can do lifts,” said Rich “but it’s only one flight and if you don’t mind…”

“I don’t,” said Julia as she opened the door to the stairs.  They walked down in what seemed to be a companionable silence but out of the corner of her eye she could see him counting and it was a relief when they reached the last one and Rich nodded in confirmation that the number of stairs was even.

The reception area was busy with hotel residents heading toward the restaurant and coming out of the leisure spa.  Julia was fascinated by the juxtaposition of the dressed-up, the overdressed and the extremely underdressed; self-conscious in their slightly too short towelling robes and flimsy freebie slippers.

As they entered the restaurant, the organiser that Julia had spoken to earlier waved vigorously and came over to them.

“We’ve put you on a small table to one side of the main group; it shouldn’t be so noisy there.  I’ve asked the waitress to leave both menus on the table. If there’s anything else you want, just call me – and I’ll sort it out for you.”

“Thank you – um – uh…”

“Amanda.”

“Yes, Amanda.  Of course.  I’m not very good with names I’m afraid.” said Rich.

Amanda rushed back to the top table and the waitress showed them to the more secluded and quiet alcove where their table had been set up.  It was actually in a very good position for both of them to watch the other guests without too much danger of making eye contact.  Rich looked happy and his smile grew even wider when he picked up the menu that the waitress had left for him.

“Rack of lamb – nice but fiddly, lasagne – okay but ordinary.  Lancashire hotpot with red cabbage. Now that’s what I call soul food. Did you want a starter?”

“No, I’ll go straight in for the chicken and chorizo salad.”

Rich looked puzzled.  “Have we got the same menu?”

“No, you have the simple no-messing-about menu and I have the fancy lets-see-how-many-different-cultures-we-can-cram-in menu.  Do you want to have a look at mine? I warn you, there are at least three misplaced apostrophes.”

“No thanks,” Rich shuddered, “although the salad sounds nice, I’d rather have the hotpot.”

Julia smiled and sent up a silent prayer of thanks as Rich ordered a bottle of red wine.  Once the waitress had taken their orders and moved away, Rich straightened up his cutlery, ensured that the pepper and salt mills were symmetrically placed, lined his water-glass up so that it mirrored Julia’s then relaxed again and leaning back in his chair looked quizzically at Julia.

“Okay.  So you seem to be second guessing me about everything at the moment, are you a particularly intuitive person or have you been stalking me?  In which case – should I be afraid?”

“I’m too old to stalk anyone.  I haven’t the time nor the inclination.  I’ve read your book however and seen you perform several times – not live – just on the television.  I find that as I grow older, serious things just make me feel anxious and I prefer to laugh rather than be made unhappy.”

‘”That’s a good philosophy, I wish I could adopt it.  You aren’t old though.”

“Thank you for the compliment but I think you’ll find that your mother and I are probably contemporaries.  My children are only a couple of years younger than you.”

“You have children?  So I suppose you have a husband too?”

“A boy and a girl.  Twenty three and twenty-six years old with their own homes and their own lives. I had a husband but he’s been an ex for the past seven years.  I live alone with my dog Spike and value my space after having had other people occupying it for so many years.  I love it when my children and their partners visit but I’m equally relieved to see them go.  My ex-husband pops in but never stays long.  It’s usually when he’s in-between young models and needs some reassurance.  He’s just married for the third time and I’m hoping that this one keeps him busy because she has more money than any of the others had.”  Julia finished defiantly and took a reassuring sip from the glass of wine that the waiter had just poured for her.

Rich raised his glass in salute. ”If you’ve read my book, there’s probably not much about me that you don’t already know then.  So, are you a glutton for punishment or do you have an affinity for obsessive compulsives?”

“Possibly closer to the latter. My father had many obsessive compulsive tendencies; he was never formally diagnosed but the behaviours got worse as he grew older and by the time he died it was almost impossible to even get him out of the house. His rituals got longer and longer until they took over and the smallest of actions had to be repeated at least fifty times.  So you see, by comparison, you’re much easier company.  We all of us have some element of obsessive compulsive behaviour; it just gets more developed in some than in others.”

There was a moment of awkward silence and Julia wondered if she might have said too much and made Rich feel like he was building up his compulsions in order to enhance his comedy role.  She took another sip of wine but when she finally looked over at him, he was still smiling..

“I thought I might have upset you – but you don’t seem to be too perturbed?”

He shook his head, still grinning, “I almost feel normal.  Most people think I’m totally weird and I’m more used to that kind of reception.  I can’t say that I feel totally comfortable at the moment but that’s me – not you.”

Julia snorted and nearly choked on her wine.  Rich’s face was initially deadpan and then he laughed too.  The waitress arrived with their meals and the awkward silence passed.  The other occupants of the restaurant were growing more rowdy as alcohol levels rose, but for Julia and Rich in their hidden alcove, their fellow diners seemed totally removed.

Obsessive complusive but personable – part 4

Julia closed her eyes for a moment; torn between concern for Rod and Angela, disappointment that their weekend away had been so suddenly curtailed, and experiencing a moment of blind panic at the thought of staying on at the hotel on her own.

The touch of a hand on her arm brought her back to reality and she opened her eyes to see him standing in front of her. “Are you okay? You look a bit upset.”

“I’m fine. My friend Angela has had to leave suddenly and I’m debating about whether I should go too. I’ve seen the main attraction after all.” She smiled.

He gave a comedy groan and shook his head. “Not quite the main attraction if you’re talking about me. I’m told that they have a hypnotist tomorrow who makes people act like chickens.”

Julia raised her eyebrows. “And that’s supposed to persuade me to stay?”

“No,” he shook his head and chuckled “but they’ve asked me to do another spot to round things off after lunch tomorrow – different material but along the same lines as today.”

“Does it help? Baring your soul to us all?”

He took a deep breath and looked upwards, marshalling his thoughts with care. “I think it does. I’m a total basket case beforehand but I do feel more relaxed and kind of cleansed after a performance. The laughter, the applause, the standing ovation, it’s all a kind of validation that maybe I’m not so weird after all. I hope you were crying with laughter though not sympathy for the pathetic wimp before you?”

Frowning, Julia folded up Angela’s note and put it in her handbag. “If you’re staying on, then so am I. The weekend has been paid for, there’s no washing up or having to shop for food and best of all you’ll be there to make me laugh again tomorrow. How could I go home under the circumstances? ”

“Thank you. I mean good. I mean – would you have lunch with me? Please? If it wasn’t for your intervention this morning I would probably have made a run for it and had to pay back my fee – plus compensation too.”

Julia looked around the entrance hall, aware that they were attracting some attention, particularly from a group of very pretty, very young girls who were doing their best to get him to notice them. “You’ve a bit of a fan club over there. I think I already know your answer but are you sure you wouldn’t like to?…it’s okay, I can see from the look of sheer terror in your eyes that lunch and adoration don’t mix. I’d love to have lunch with you and I promise not to fawn or drool.”

She watched as the tension dropped from his shoulders and his smile returned. “It isn’t the adoration, I don’t get much of that, and it’s usually just curiosity to see if I’m as neurotic as I say I am. Buffets are extremely difficult for me though. I don’t really like eating food after other people have touched it; well I don’t mind chefs and waitresses but some people are so messy and pick things up then put them back on the plate again.”

“You could ask them to put something on a plate for you straight from the kitchen? Come on, let’s have a look at what’s on offer and then have a word with the organisers. After the success of your performance I would lay money on it that you could ask for anything and get it.”

Leaving the giggling girls behind them they walked the length of the now devastated buffet table and came to the conclusion that there was nothing edible left anyway. Julia waved at a waitress who looked vaguely sympathetic and explained the situation . Fortunately she’d been one of the staff who’d been doubled up with laughter at the back of the room earlier on. She motioned them to a table set apart from the rest of the room and went into the kitchen.

She returned very quickly with two plates of bread, cheese, salad, pickles and a bowl of fresh fruit. “Chef had a couple of Ploughman’s ready to go out but he says you can have these and he’ll make up some more. He watched you too and says he hasn’t had such a good laugh for ages. Also says he doesn’t blame you for not wanting to touch the buffet after that lot have been at it. Those girls have been double dipping the crudités. Disgusting! Would you like fruit juice or water?”

“Can I have some orange juice and some sparkling water please? And for you Julia?” Julia nodded her assent and the waitress hurried off again.

“So are you Rich or are you Richard?”

“Depends on whether I’m being a stand up or sitting at my Mum’s for dinner. Mum is the only person who calls me Richard but I answer to both. Rich will do – although I’m not – rich I mean.”

Julia nodded, pleased that she wasn’t being classified with his mother at least. The waitress brought two bottles of sparkling water, a carafe of orange juice and two very clean glasses. Rich held his up to the light and smiled. “This is one advantage of being famous for a cleanliness compulsion. People go over the top in trying to make sure I don’t find any dirt on their glasses.”

Mindful that he had already expressed his dislike of chattering meal companions, Julia kept the conversation to a minimum until they’d finished eating; covertly watching as Rich identified the best parts of his Ploughman’s lunch and put them to one side to save till last. There were still a few grapes and slices of apple left in the bowl at the end of the meal and Rich lined them up in order of size and with a precision that made it a shame to eat them and spoilt the symmetry

“What do we have in store for us this afternoon?” he asked, moving an apple slice to make a new pattern.

“A contortionist, an illusionist and a man who makes animals out of balloons.” said Julia consulting her agenda.

“Really? I was going to crash out for a couple of hours but maybe …”

“I was lying. This afternoon we will be having a talk on religion and its impact on mental health issues. This will be followed by a display of craftwork made by leprosy victims who have lost their limbs. Stop smiling, that is not a joke. This weekend is billed as an ‘alternative experiences’ weekend. Angela felt it would be good for me – for us both.”

“I think I prefer your agenda, although I’ve always been a bit worried by balloons, unexpected bangs and all that. Can I ask you something please?”

“Ask away – unless it has anything to do with my age or my weight.”

“Neither. Will you still be here when I wake up?”

Julia smiled at the childlike honesty of his question. “I’ll still be here – well not here exactly – I expect they’ll want to clear this table soon. If the religious guy gets too much I may sneak back to my own room this afternoon and give Angela a call.”

“So if you’re staying, can I ask you another favour? Will you join me for dinner?”

“That’s not a favour, but shouldn’t you be sitting at the top table with the organisers?”

“Do you think I’d enjoy that?” “Not much. If you’re really sure, then yes, I’d love to. Having been abandoned by Angela, dinner with you is a far more agreeable prospect than being droned at by some dry old academic whose theories were all disproved years ago or having to make polite conversation with the Cheshire Set.”

“I’m renowned for my droning too. I’ll try not to though. If you change your mind and have to go home would you me let know? I’m in room 28.”

“I’ll bang on the wall, I believe we’re next door neighbours then. I’m in room 27. You’ll still cope if I’m not here though. You’ll be just as funny tomorrow – if not more so because you’ll inevitably get irritated by something in this hotel and have brand new material as a consequence.”

Julia stood up and went to pick up her bag. Rich was on his feet immediately, picked it up and passed it to her with a shy and hasty peck on the cheek. She smiled to herself as he hurried off to his room; it was a bit of a maiden aunt kiss, perhaps even a Mum kiss but a kiss nevertheless and more than any of the giggling girls had got. Double dipping in the crudités indeed!

Obsessive compulsive but personable – part 3

The conference room was filling up when they arrived; and half a dozen waiters and waitresses were circling the room with silver coffee pots, and salvers loaded high with a variety of bite-sized pastries.  Julia accepted a cup of coffee and one pastry, watching in amusement whilst Angela tried to juggle with her impractical designer handbag, coffee cup and four pastries.  Putting her cup down beside her, she rescued Angela’s bag, guided her down onto a chair and allowed herself a few moments to indulge in scanning the room to see what kind of people might be attracted to what was advertised as a ‘weekend of alternative experiences’.

Of the twenty-five or so people attending the event Julia had already separated the professionals from the interested amateurs and the anything-to-get-away-for- the-weekend women. She thought she recognised a couple of people from a conference she’d attended in the summer and was pleased to receive some smiles of recognition back.

The organisers sat at the front of the room facing the attendees, and clutching his coffee cup and looking very self-conscious, so was the guest speaker.  There was no sign of a pastry in his hand; he wouldn’t have risked it in case it made him cough or choke, or even worse, left him with a smear of syrup on his face.  He glanced around the room at that moment and caught Julia looking at him.  His smile, genuinely warm and spontaneous, made her feel quite peculiar and she found herself blushing and making a ‘thumbs up’ gesture to him.  Most unlike her.  It made his smile broaden even further however and he made the gesture back, more covertly than she had but then everyone was looking at him, not at her.

Angela had finished her pastries at last and stood up to brush the crumbs off onto the floor. Julia pulled her back down onto her seat again as one of the organisers got up and walked over to the microphone. The next ten minutes were taken up with the usual effusive welcomes, domestic explanations and a run through of the agenda.  The first speaker was a rather dry academic who talked at length about his theories on sociopaths.  Julia would usually have found him quite interesting, if only for the fact that most of his hypotheses were taken from research already carried out by far more respected psychologists and psychiatrists than himself.  Had she been organising the event, she would probably have put him on first as well, and noted with relief that he wasn’t giving any more talks over the weekend.

People were beginning to shuffle their feet and there was much clinking of coffee cups as the audience looked for distraction.  The speaker would have gone on obliviously if it hadn’t been for the timely intervention of one of the organisers, who got to his feet and very gently reminded him that he’d gone over his time.  The academic looked a little bewildered but thanked the audience and sat down to a gratefully enthusiastic round of applause.

The waitresses took the opportunity of the hiatus to retrieve the coffee cups and pastry plates; most of the audience dashed out for comfort breaks; some to the lavatory and others to the smoker’s gazebo at the end of the building.  Julia stretched her legs and arched her back wondering why conference chairs were always so damn uncomfortable.  Perhaps it was to stop you nodding off in the dull bits.  The dim receptionist wandered in waving a piece of paper and made a beeline for Angela and Julia.

“Mrs Price?” she gabbled “there’s a message for you.  I think the lady said she was your sister or something?”

Angela took the paper and went outside onto the terrace, having motioned for Julia to stay where she was.  People were filing back into the room now and Julia could see that her guest speaker was on next. Blast Angela!  She’d disappeared from sight now and although Julia felt she should go out and see what was wrong she really didn’t want to leave and miss what was probably the high point of the weekend.

He started with an energy that belied his shyness, and within moments his candid stand up routine had the sluggish audience roaring with laughter.  His humour was raw; cruel and personal about himself and his failings and neuroses. Whilst most of her was laughing and she was glad she’d worn waterproof mascara, Julia saw through the humour and empathised with the obsessive compulsive within.  Listening to him lay himself open to a bunch of strangers made her wonder if this was his therapy; the only way he could cope with the compulsions that dominated his life.  Well-used to the stringent timings of the comedy circuit and possessed of extreme self-discipline, his routine finished on time and brought the agenda back on schedule with a standing ovation from the audience, the organisers and the staff who had sneaked in at the back of the room when they heard the laughter.

He sat down, flushed and breathless but smiling and as Julia wiped the tears of mirth from her eyes with a slightly sticky napkin that Angela had left behind, she saw him give her a small but very definite ‘thumbs-up’.  Pleased that he was happy with his performance, Julia couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed that Angela had missed out on seeing it.  People were gathering up their belongings prior to going into the adjoining room for a buffet lunch so Julia went in search of her friend and walked into the entrance hall just in time to see a small pink car hurtling up the driveway.  The receptionist thrust an envelope into her hand.  Inside was a note in Angela’s unmistakeably loopy hand.

“Dear Joolz, Have to go home.  Rod’s had another of his little turns – nothing serious but he’s been to hospital and needs some TLC. PLEASE stay and enjoy your lovely man.  Gutted that I’m going to miss him but you can buy me his DVD when it comes out and I promise I’ll read his book if you lend it to me.  Hell, I may even buy my own copy.  I might learn something.  Wish your patients were as gorgeous as he is.  I’ll text you later.  Loads of Love Ange.”